Kadaj Equals Cheerleader
by Novelist Pup
Summary: Aw man, not another high school fic! [Crack, yaoi, AU]
1. Not Another One!

**Kadaj Equals Cheerleader**

Yes. It is another High School fic. Enjoy.

**Disclaimer: Nope.**

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Not Another One!_

Shinra High School was a very angsty and depressed school, with how it was placed in an angsty and depressed town. Yet the town didn't mind, because despite their mounds of angst and desolateness, Shinra High had one thing no other school for _miles_ had.

Shinra High School was home to the perkiest cheerleaders around.

And the only male cheerleader in the state.

Kadaj was the best cheerleader that Shinra High had seen for years. He did flips, was at the top of every pyramid, and could leap feet in the air, his silver hair always streaming behind him. And he, like many other people, had a very obvious crush on Cloud.

Yet, the only thing that the school did not get about Kadaj, was his insistence to wear the same cheerleading uniform as all of the girls. They just brushed it off as a queer quirk, the same as his green cat-like eyes.

Shinra High School was also incredibly proud of their football team, and the star player.

Cloud Strife was the best football player in Midgar, Wisconsin. He was also the hottest, with his blonde hair and blue eyes and mysterious aura. He was everyone's dream guy, except for the little problem he had with facial expressions.

Cloud never smiled, or frowned, or grinned, or did anything to do with any emotion except for sadness. He participated in the masculine activities that were carried on in the locker room, but he never had any expression that wasn't slightly emo or depressed.

Sephiroth was Shinra High's pride in the music section. He was the ultra-sexy conductor of what was called 'Sephy's Team', the school's Full Orchestra. His music making skills were astounding, and he was popular to boot. And to make it better, Sephiroth openly lusted after Cloud, playing beautiful music every time that crazy jock walked by.

Vincent Valentine was on the school's Color Guard. He wasn't forced into it or anything; he just had a passion for throwing flags in the air and twirling them. But Kadaj believes it's for the ultra-cute uniforms that the male and female color guards had to wear. Vincent denies that particular claim a bit more than any of the others.

Yazoo was also on the school's Color Guard, and doesn't deny that it was for the uniforms. Although, he was ridiculously good at what he did with those flags, causing a subconscious rivalry between himself and Vincent. They were both completely awesome at what they did, but Yazoo just looked sexier when he did so.

Loz was on the school's Dance Team. Enough said.

Reno was a Drum Major, and damn good at it. With that silver hat placed upon his head, and his long ponytail of red hair flying behind him, the school's band was quite happy to have that sexy red-head lead them with his jumps and runs.

Rude, Reno's giant boyfriend, was also on the football team, but he was a running back (whatever the hell that was). People liked him as well, because he was pretty nice, incredibly loyal, and very protective of his much smaller boyfriend.

Barret was the only black guy for quite a distance. One of the dudes who mainly tackle on the football team, he was one of Cloud's acquaintances (because the hell would Cloud admit to having friends, except for Zack). Barret was pretty cool, and he was quite a jock to include in his profiling. Cursed, fought, and laughed just like a jock.

Tifa Lockhart was the former cheerleading star, until Kadaj came, because now she gets overshadowed all the time whenever that sexy silver-haired cheerleader comes by. Tifa actually hates being overshadowed, but she can't do anything about the fact that Kadaj is so much sexier than her. But, that doesn't stop her from trying to catch Cloud's attention, but Kadaj is better than her in that too.

Yuffie Kisaragi is that hyper cheerleader that always seems too perky, but people put up with it because she's so full of school spirit.

Aerith is the lead clarinet in 'Sephy's Team', and the only one that Cloud attempts to smile at except for Kadaj, and that's a whole other story, that one.

Cid Highwind was the proud football coach of the Turks.

Zack was another Drum Major, only doing so because he liked Cloud, but the blonde was stuck on platonic-ness in their relationship.

Red the VIII was the last Drum Major, and had the sexiest voice in the entire state. At first everyone thought he was some punk-rocker when they saw his red Mohawk and multitudes of jewelry and his black clothes, but once they heard his clear, deep, sensuous baritone, they threw away whatever they thought about him.

Cait Sith was the Scottish mascot.

And lastly, the principal of this school, Rufus Shinra. The man was very confusing, for he always talked in weird riddles and had this very creepy child-molester-like smile, and he was in a wheelchair. But no one cared, because he had very nice hair.

Anyone who was not mentioned here was probably not important, so don't worry.

But yes, Shinra High School may have been angsty and depressed, but they had some really, _really_ perky cheerleaders. That made up for all their shortcomings.

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END 1**

Lolz.

I feel funny when I write this.


	2. Tifa's Five Minutes of Fame

**Kadaj Equals Cheerleader**

Bored, bored, bored, and watched twelve episodes straight of Chobits. I don't regret it either, strangely. Tifa-bashing ahead as well.

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Tifa's Five Minutes of Fame_

"And one! And two! And three! And go!"

Tifa prepared to do the double flip with an 88 degree turn counterclockwise in the direction of the magnetic South Pole with a single-handed handstand, but that pesky silver-haired male cheerleader beat her to the chase with _his_ stupid triple back-flip at a 90 degree rotation with a single spread leap.

Tifa fumed angrily. How dare that _freshman_ take away her limelight! It took her THREE years to get her popularity and status, but that stupid _freshman_ comes up with his "I wanna be a CHEERLEADER! Gee golly!" attitude, and he is all of a sudden everyone's favorite cheerleader. He is even allowed in the girl's locker room (which is understandable because it's the only place where some dude won't try to molest him) to get dressed and changed. It was so freaking confusing!

And why the hell was Kadaj allowed to look better in the cheerleading outfit than Tifa? He doesn't have boobs! Yet the outfit still looks incredibly good on him, why?

"Uh, excuse me, but is a Tifa Lockhart here?" The stereotypically nasal voice of the dorky-looking messenger called out. Tifa walked up to him, thinking that he'd shy away very nervously because he had a crush on her for the longest time but never had the guts to tell her how he really felt because of an irrational fear of rejection.

"Um, Miss Tifa?" The messenger asked, confused at the dreamy look on the cheerleader's face. Tifa shook her head and smiled at him.

"Yes? Why did you require my presence?" She asked, forgetting that it's creepy when certain people talk like that, and she was no exception.

"The principal wants you." The messenger said, unnerved by the creepy speech. Tifa twitched, subtly, and walked to the principal's office, cursing Kadaj.

"Come in, Miss Lockhart," The principal said before Tifa even knocked. The cheerleader came in and smiled cheerfully at the strawberry-blonde haired man.

"Hello, Principal Shinra!" She greeted perkily. The principal smiled that pedophilic smile and waved Tifa to the seat in front of his desk.

"Miss Tifa Lockhart, you are without a doubt one of my best cheerleaders, no argument." The principal started. Tifa preened at the compliment.

"With that, I am proud to announce you to as Shinra High's Cheerleader of the Month." Principal Shinra continued. Tifa jumped up and almost squealed in delight.

"Really sir?" She asked.

"Really. Now go on you crazy kid." The principal said, chuckling in a nostalgic manner. Tifa skipped out the class and onto the field, where the cheerleading team was huddled around the cooler, laughing squeakily at some joke.

"And I said, 'Sweetie, this hair is as real as these hips' and she was all like 'Really?' and I was like 'Uh huh'…" Kadaj's voice was heard as the cheerleaders laughed once more. Tifa fixed her smile and hopped over to the team, her buxom breasts bouncing with every step.

"Hi guys!" She called cheerfully. The cheerleaders greeted back just as cheerful.

"What happened, Tifa?" A fellow cheerleader asked when she came up to their group. Tifa grinned, and smirked in triumph towards Kadaj, who didn't notice (or care).

"I've been named Shinra High's Cheerleader of the month!" She said, gleeful. All the cheerleaders gathered around her and started showering her with praise, just as she wanted. Kadaj finally looked up and noticed Tifa's happy face. Kadaj, being a 'Team Spirit' kind of guy, wanted to join in as well.

"What happened?" He asked the nearest cheerleader. She grinned happily and grabbed Kadaj's hand.

"Tifa is Cheerleader of the month!" She claimed. Kadaj's eyes widened and he smiled as well.

"That's so awesome! I'm serious, because I've just been named Wisconsin's Cheerleader of the Year, from that last competition!" Kadaj said, twirling the girl around. The cheerleading squad heard this and immediately crowded around that sexy silver-haired cheerleader.

"Omigod, Kadaj why didn't you tell us!"

"This is soooo awesome!"

"Let's go out for celebration!"

Tifa angrily seethed as Kadaj took away her popularity, _again_, with his so-called 'adorably perky and full of gay pride' attitude. He isn't that awesome (he actually is, and more, but Tifa refuses to admit this). The black-haired girl stomped away, and went inside the school, coincidently colliding with the messenger from before.

"O-oh, hi M-miss Tifa…" The messenger stuttered. Tifa smirked, that was more like it. Now when he pronounced his undying love for Tifa, she had to be ready to turn him down.

"M-miss T-T-Tifa, I n-noticed that y-you came from the f-f-football field…" Maybe she should say 'You're cute, but you're not my type'…

"A-and I-I was w-wondering-g if-f you c-c-c-could…" Here it comes!

"GivethisnotetoKadajpleasethankyou!"

"What did you say?"

"Could you give this note to Kadaj, please thank you!" The messenger hurriedly muttered as he put the envelope in Tifa's hand and ran away.

Tifa clenched her fist and strained her neck towards the sky.

"DAMN YOU KADAJ!!"

**End 2**

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I seriously enjoy writing this. It makes me laugh. 


	3. In Which Unrequited Love is Angsted

**Kadaj Equals Cheerleader**

_In Which Unrequited Love Is Angsted_

Kadaj was the youngest out of four boys. He had three older brothers, whom he loved to death. His mother, Jenova, carried an extremely evil aura, but he loved her unconditionally as well. Being the youngest, it was destined that he'd be babied and such, by his mother and brothers. But no one knows the _real_ story.

Jenova always wanted a girl, but ended up with only boys. She raised Sephiroth like a gentleman, not at all deterred by his queerness. Yazoo came next, and he was raised like a young man, with some feminine points. Loz, not many people cared about Loz, but he was raised in a transvestite-like way.

Now, Kadaj. After getting boys three times, when it was time for Kadaj to be born, she swore that he would be the daughter she never had. Thanks to Sephiroth, Kadaj grew up with Barbie®, and lusted after Ken (at some point). And so, with his pseudo-female personality, when he got to High School, he tried out for the cheerleading squad, and got the position. Jenova and Sephiroth were so proud, Yazoo was happy as well.

Kadaj _loved_ being a cheerleader, it was his passion. He may have been a freshman, but he had several other schools begging for him to go to their school and boost their team spirit. But, there is one reason why he won't budge from his current school. And it's not because all of his brothers go there as well, but because of that sexy face he sees everyday in the hall.

Cloud Strife.

Kadaj swooned with glee before biting his knuckles to hold back his squeal. It would have been odd for Sephiroth to hear such a high-pitched sound as he wrote his music. Kadaj did roll around on his bed like a maniac though, to relieve some of his pent-up cheerleader energy.

Cloud Strife was the absolute hottest guy in the entire school. It wasn't unknown for cheerleaders to lust after that burning body, but it was all in vain, for Cloud had his depressed eyes on someone else.

Aerith Gainsborough. Kadaj saw her often, because she was on the clarinet section of Sephy's Team, and Kadaj went to hang out with Sephiroth after-school. Aerith was a pretty girl, and incredibly nice with a fairly acceptable fashion sense. Kadaj liked her, but she was a rival for Cloud's affections.

Sephiroth was also competition. Not only did Sephiroth have a better chance because of his popularity level (not that Kadaj wasn't popular, but Sephiroth had years practice to make people like him, and people did that_ naturally_), but because he was also a senior, the same grade as Cloud. He had _classes_ with Cloud.

Kadaj had to ask Sephiroth what the experience was like, to share a class with such a _sex god_.

But anyway, Cloud was Kadaj's crush, and he'd do anything to fulfill said crush.

"Kadaj?" Yazoo's husky voice called from the other side of the closed door.

"Come in!" Kadaj answered. Yazoo opened the door and came in with his skintight Color Guard outfit.

"How does it look?" He asked, twirling around to show his full body. Kadaj whistled and Yazoo smiled at his younger brother. Yazoo joined Color Guard two years ago, in ninth grade. He did it because they had the cutest uniforms, but stayed because of one Vincent Valentine.

No one except Kadaj and Sephiroth knew of his secret desire for the gothic teen. Yet, that meant nothing, for Vincent only saw him as a rival for the best in Color Guard. That, and Vincent had a really obvious crush on the football coach, Cid.

Yazoo cursed for the umpteenth time at the revelation.

What did Cid have that Yazoo didn't? Yazoo had an incredibly sexy figure, long silver hair, popularity, _and_ they were the same age. Kadaj looked confused as Yazoo scrunched his face up angrily. Was Yazoo angsting about Vincent again?

"Yes, I am angsting about Vincent. _Again_." Yazoo said, as if he read Kadaj's mind.

"Did… Did you read my mind?" Kadaj asked incredulously.

"You talk out loud a lot." Yazoo explained. Kadaj formed his lips in an 'O' shape. Yazoo sighed and flopped onto his brother's bed.

"I just don't understand why he won't notice me! I've tried everything, even subtly brushing my hand over his ass when we do our exercises. I don't get it!" Yazoo complained. Kadaj gently ran his hand through his brother's long, flowing hair.

"I know how you feel Yazoo. I'm a _cheerleader_! Does he not get the subliminal messages that are in my cheers?" Kadaj whined as well. Yazoo stared at him.

"Kadaj, he's a jock."

"Oh."

Yazoo lied back on the bed and Kadaj stood up.

"I'm going to get a tub of ice cream for us to share, so we can cry over our love lives!" Kadaj said as he ran out the room. Yazoo smiled.

"I love my little brother." He mumbled to himself as Kadaj ran into the room with a gallon of chocolate chip banana mint ice cream, and three spoons.

"What's the other spoon for, Kadaj?" Yazoo asked as he took his designated utensil and opened the tub of ice cream.

"Oh, that's for Sephy. He said that he wanted to angst over his unrequited love as well." Kadaj explained. As soon as he said that, the eldest silver-haired brother burst into Kadaj's room.

"Is it angst time yet?" Sephiroth asked, taking his spoon. Kadaj gave him a thumb up and Sephiroth scooped up some ice cream, while crying along with his two younger brothers. They carried on like that for the longest time, crying and comforting each other.

Jenova walked by and pressed to ear to the door. As soon as she heard the distinct wails, she grinned and walked down the steps with a little bounce in her step.

"My boys are growing up…" Jenova said happily.

**END 3**

I'm going to die from writing this.


	4. Zack’s Über Awesome Band

**Kadaj Equals Cheerleader**

_Zack's Über Awesome Band_

Zack had an über awesome band.

It was a band so incredibly awesome that they were too good to really get out in the world and get a record deal, preferring to stay in Zack's garage and rock hard. They were, like, the literal equivalent of "the shiznit".

They were so good, that they had four members, all completely awesome in some musical way.

There was Cloud, Zack's best friend and the keyboard player. He was awesome, _somewhere_ deep down in his bleeding black heart.

Then, there was Barret, who played the drums. Of course he was awesome at that, _anyone_ can play the drums!

And there was Reeves, whom when not being the Scottish mascot for their awesomely depressed and haphazard school, liked to play bass. Although, due to a bad experience with the author of this story, a Sims 2 Itachi, and a bass, Reeves might've not been so awesome.

But who cares, since Zack made up for ALL of the lack of awesome!

Yes, Zack Fair, with his vaguely homosexual last name, long spiky hair, and fabulously buff body, played the lead guitar and sung.

When they were all together, they formed one ultimate band! The…

"SOLDIERS!" Zack shrieked, slamming his fingers into the guitar skillfully.

Barret snorted. "Naw bitch, I done thought we weren't gonna go wit dat," he sighed. "Reminds me to much of dat rap song, 'Crank Dat Soulja Boy', ya heard?"

Reeves blinked. "I didn't know you listened to rap, Barret…"

"Bitch! What do you think I is? White?!" Barret snarled. Zack put his hand on Barret's shoulder and smiled.

"Guys, we shouldn't be arguing right now, 'kay? We should be doing what Cloud?!" Zack exclaimed, pointing at the blond that sat at the keyboard with the most depressing look ever.

Cloud looked up. "Kill ourselves?" he asked hopefully.

Zack began to rub his temples. "We've been over this Cloud. No one is going to die just because YOU aren't feeling happy,"

Cloud looked back down. "I'd be happy if someone did kill themselves. Then I wouldn't have to depress anyone anymore."

Zack wanted to tackle-hug his friend, only if it would get all that emo out of his system.

"Dude, you play _football_. Why are you so depressed?!" Reeves wondered aloud. Cloud stared incredulously at him.

"Is that all you care about? My status in the school? Why don't _you_ understand?!" Cloud snapped in his monotone voice. Zack grabbed Cloud by his shoulders and shook him violently.

"Snap out of it man! Argue about your depressed status later, we've gotta _ROCK_!" And he bit into his bottom lip as he air-guitar'd. Hard.

"WEEEEOW!" he screamed. Barret began to slam his drumsticks into the drums and growled loudly as they got into it.

Except for Cloud, who instead played 'Welcome to the Black Parade' on his keyboard. Zack stopped air-guitaring, Barret stopped drumming, and Reeves stopped being vaguely not-awesome at the bass.

"Cloud, for the LAST TIME. We are NOT going to play that song," Zack said from clenched teeth.

Cloud sighed. "When I was… a young boy… my father… took me into the city, to see a marching band… He said 'son when you grow up… will you be the savior of the broken… the beaten and the damned?' He said 'will you defeat them…" he sang as he played the keys with one hand.

Barret rolled his eyes. "Nigga _please_. We ain't no broken-ass half rate rock band singin' about gay parades and shit! You betta check yo self befo' you wreck yo self, _bitch_!"

Cloud choked back a depressed and emo sob as Barret's words sunk in.

"MCR is my favorite band though…" he replied. Barret held up a large hand.

"Talk to the hand, Spike, cuz dis face ain't interested,"

And Zack had to step in before Cloud got even MORE melancholy.

"Look guys, let's resolve this! Cloud, My Chemical Romance is a great band, and you can love them all you want, but this is _our_ band to _ROCK_, 'kay?" and he turned to the black teenager. "And Barret, please refrain from player-hating, okay?"

Barret shrugged. "Whateva."

Zack clapped his hands excitedly. "AWESOME! Now, can we _ROCK_ Reevy-boy?!"

Reeves shrugged. "I suppose so."

Zack grinned at him happily. "GREAT! What about you Barret?!"

Barret twirled his drumsticks in the air. "HELL YEAH, BIATCH!"

The dark-haired teen couldn't be happier. "FUCKIN' _A_ FOR _AWESOME_! CLOUD! ARE YOU READY TO _ROOOOOOCK?!_" Zack screamed, pointing his index finger shakily at the blond football star.

Cloud sighed. "I guess so."

Zack was about to scream for more enthusiasm, but then shrugged. "Well, if that's all I'm going to get out of you, then that's good enough. Now, let's _ROCK_ this overly angsty and depressed town!"

And rock they did. All night long, until Zack's father came home and required to park his car in the garage that they rocked much like a boat.

If boats could rock nearly as awesome as them.

If there was a good definition for _Über Awesome Band_, you'd probably see an awesome picture of Zack Fair and his two and a half awesome band mates. And his totally awesome quote.

"Only losers can't _ROCK_!"

**End 4**

HAVE A FANTABULOUS DAY, KTHX.


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